You're not alone; I'm alone, too...

I am single which means more often than not, I am alone.

I am alone, but I don't feel lonely. And there is a big difference. You can be alone and not feel lonely, and you can feel lonely and not be alone.

I think a lot of people are afraid to be alone because they are afraid of being lonely. But I can be in a room with a thousand other people and still feel lonely. Being alone is something I am, not something I feel. And loneliness is something I feel, not something I am.

Truth be told I don't have that much experience being alone. I wasn't even born alone. I was born with a twin sister. And I've filled my life with boyfriends and substitute boyfriends when she wasn't around. It's only the past few months that I've experienced what it's like to truly be alone. I'm struck by the little things that change when a duo goes solo.

Eating can be painful. I love to eat, but sometimes the act of consuming food by myself makes me feel like an animal at feeding time.

It's a lot quieter being alone. Sometimes the silence makes me feel like walking into oncoming traffic. So I turn on the television. I don't watch it. I mute it. Something about the low buzz of the television makes me feel less alone.

I read a lot more. I'm even reading novels. Something I was vehemently opposed to before.

I listen to much more music. My music and I have a very strong bond. I remember I used to meet guys, and one of the first things they wanted to share with me was their music. I used to think it was some kind of test to see if we like the same music, but now I realize they were introducing me to a part of them, a part of their identity, and in a strange way, one of their closest friends.

There's always the treacherous and oh so misleading computer that I am currently using to type this blog. Sure it's a lone (wo)man's companion. But it is a deceiving device, as are the virtual social networks I am ashamed to claim membership (namely Facebook and Myspace). It allows us to feel less alone. But alone is a state of being not feeling. Me hanging out with a computer cannot change the fact that I am not in the company of other human life forms. It may assuage a feeling of loneliness, but it is only temporary if that feeling is derived from my state of being alone.

And I talk to myself. Not out loud. Well, sometimes out loud, but not often.

So what is it about being alone that would send me into oncoming traffic before I listen to the silence. What am I afraid I will hear in the silence? What thoughts long to be heard that I'd rather lolly-gag on Facebook and Myspace than listen to them. What am I trying to tell myself that I don't want to hear?